There is a question that a warrior has to ask, mandatorily: Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. However, a path without a heart is never enjoyable. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy – it does not make a warrior work at liking it; it makes for a joyful journey; as long as a man follows it, he is one with it. ~ don Juan Matus through Carlos Castaneda
I have chosen the path-of-my-heart, rather than that play-it-safe one. I know unspeakable joy so very much of the time. This is also true: life it truly a complex mixture of many experiences and feelings. In a post a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned “spiritual stamina.” I felt called to explore this more deeply, and then I received yet another lesson in spiritual stamina. How intriguing, Universe, and thank you for the lesson! This is a bit of a tender share, as it’s been a mighty-tender week, full of the wildest emotions, perhaps more so than I’ve ever known. If you’ve ever imagined that I (or anyone) have it all together, then this will dial you in to a deeper truth. I offer this, not as a spiritually narcissistic diatribe, but as a portal for deeper healing, not just for me, but for anyone who can or will identify a bit with this story. You are not alone. We are One.
Spiritual Gift and the Healing Crisis
Last Monday night, I woke at midnight from a deep sleep. I intuited that I received a deeply healing energy attunement and blessing in that moment. I felt called to go into meditation, to receive the gift from Spirit with an open heart. I spent much of the rest of that night in deep psychic communion with the cosmos, plus I received many helpful downloads related to upcoming events and such.
The following night, I felt some pelvic pain, but I wasn’t sure of the cause. I went to bed but woke at 10:30 doubled over with cramping pain, wave after wave. Doing Reiki in the night, I felt the pain diminish to discomfort by morning, but I felt something wasn’t right. I went to see my new doctor, but typical of those on a spiritual path, the diagnosis was inconclusive. Ah, the virtue of medical mysteries in helping us to clear our own energetic blocks, intuitively and practically! I had asked for Reiki from the Sage Spirit community of Reiki practitioners and masters, and all through the day I felt better and better.
Still I felt off for several days and I knew I needed to go more deeply into discovery and to do more clearing. Forgiveness came up as a theme… for others (that’s easy) but mostly for myself. Again, the Universe supported my discovery around this. I have always been more the intellect than the emotional one. I know I’ve carried a lot of protection around my heart at times. But that day, I felt as if I broke open the shell of my heart a little deeper. I tapped into the energies of people I know going through some seriously tough times. I felt the sting of what I perceived as a recent betrayal. Then someone posted a picture on facebook of a really horrible animal abuse atrocity that sent me energetically to my knees. And I felt so much judgment around those who could senselessly hurt another being.
Grief, Awareness and Broken Eggs
Suddenly I felt my heart breaking open in grief and sorrow, so intense I could hardly take it. I felt like a bad egg, spilled and stinkin’ onto the floor. As I went deeper, I felt the core of me that is also capable of such cruelty. I felt the needy one within, the fearful one, the envious one, the trickster one, the deviant one, the one who could and who has senselessly hurt others. Only in my willingness to love This One too am I able to evolve in my path of unconditionally loving all-that-is.
The pain I cause in you, I cause in me. The beauty I see in you, I see in me.
We are both expressions of the Divine, however we may appear to the naked eye.
Then I saw this video on facebook, Martín Prechtel, a Mayan Shaman, talking about waking up to life through the process of grief, “Grief and Praise, Part I” (of 3). Slowly, slowly, I began to ease into the grief, to feel supported by virtual community, to allow to flow, finally, that has likely been built up since birth. I came to recognize that even I am capable of the worst atrocity. It is not for me to find fault, though I certainly have tried. And slightly, subtly, I began to feel more awake, more alive, even for the tenderness, even for the grief. Lee Harris also talked about the role of grief in his June energy forecast. Do you see how the Universe is wildly supporting my healing, learning, growth, expansion and transformation?
In making sense of all of this, I drew a few oracle cards. What I took away:
This is a space of shaman death and rebirth, as I embrace my path as “shaman in love.” It is for me to release all that doesn’t serve and to prepare for another initiation that will transform my vision and way of thinking. I may not recognize who I BE as I complete this journey that’s been in the making for a couple of months. Resistance brings pain. Surrender brings expansion. I am willing…
What does this have to do with spiritual stamina? I remember Caroline Myss saying that we may aspire to live a spiritual, religious or moral life in order to avoid pain and trauma. That belief is a relic of the punitive-God system of beliefs, that we can earn only good graces by walking a certain path. In fact, on our spiritual journeys we may encounter plenty of heart-break, disappointment, pain, trauma and more because the experiences that lead to those feelings are precisely what are needed for our soul growth. Sometimes the path to healing and transformation can feel like a set-back at first, or what we sometimes call a healing-crisis. Or, as my friend, Tim Glenn, likes to say, “the spiritual path is not for sissies.”
Life is a beautiful blending of bliss and challenge, joy and pain, love and fear. The experiences and feelings that we don’t enjoy are simply a way for us to consciously choose to live more deeply into enjoying the feelings we desire. All this brings me to a space of deepest gratitude for the fullness of the journey. I feel glimpses of a deeper spirituality coming through me, a gift of the attunement, but also of the painful purging that followed, making way for something new to come. With the pain, I am willing to release my limiting beliefs, my fears, my doubts, and whatever else no longer serves my life.
Resistance brings pain. Surrender brings expansion. I am willing.
I am so blessed to walk this path. For me surrender doesn’t mean passivity. Rather, it’s about following intuition and guidance, and then doing (whatever it is I’m called to do) in an inspired way (which may even involve activism). This is how I live my Truth. My path is aligning to the divine, living my higher purpose, and surrendering my ego’s power as much as possible in each moment.
The divine plan is infinitely wiser than I will ever be as I dwell in this earthsuit. More and more I am willing to surrender, to abandon my need to lurk in the shadows of unworthiness or to try to control my destiny in overt or covert operations. I am willing to do the deepest exploration and excavation of all those fears and facets of me that no longer serve. The process is excruciating. The process is essential. It is invigorating. I find that it’s actually easier to be with the monsters than it is to muster the courage to take that first peek under the bed. I am blessed to grow more into authenticity with each breath and step out of the shadows of my unconscious that I am willing to take.
Why am I here? Lots of roles come to mind… sister, daughter, lover, friend, teacher, hollow bone for healing, partner… but why am I really here? I think the answer for me is to love. I become the “Shaman in Love,” and the way in has been through fear, anger, judgment, meanness and all that other groovy stuff. It’s paradox.
My commitment in this moment, on behalf of my conscious evolution:
- I trust my spiritual stamina, because I’ve been asked to step into it over and over again
- I honor my intuition because it holds my highest-good and that of All-That-Is at its core
- I honor, cherish, nourish and nurture my body, mind, spirit
- I accept what is here now, knowing I create my experience through perception
- I embrace joy, magic, adventure, love and life as much as I may in each moment
- I welcome the wisdom of my higher-self to emerge along with the support of my angels and guides
- I allow the magic of the Universe to direct my will and creation for the greater good of All
- And most importantly, I release the need to get it right
Where do you find strength and stamina?
What is surrender to you? To what? To whom?
Why are you here in this earthsuit?