“Will you marry me?”
Well, I can tell you that after more than a decade of avoiding the marriage archetype as a personal choice, I never thought I would hear these words again.
Dana shared this as the preamble: “We have shared the deepest levels of intimacy, beyond what I ever imagined possible for my life. I thought, there’s no way we could go deeper. Then I thought of one way to embrace deeper intimacy: Will you marry me?”
“You mean the legal kind?” Between Dana’s question and my answer, we shared deeper discovery around what “marriage” and “deeper intimacy” may mean. I am not sure that we could have arrived at “yes,” if not for the inspiration of those we know who are masterfully, consciously creating sacred marriage – within or without the archetype or legalities of “marriage.”
The dance of discovery Dana and I have shared around this since the question-day feels so rich, along with our responses to inquiries from family and friends. I just have to share our evolution of thought (to date and always subject to change):
What has identified our experience with the archetype of marriage in the past? There were times when we enjoyed so much love and support in the context of marriage. Such delight! We have also experienced the opposite, feeling controlled, abandoned, emotionally detached and alienated, and so much more. But we both grew up with the notion of marriage being part of the formula for fitting into society, for having a useful place and purpose. In our youth, we didn’t perceive the need to question. That came later, with experience. With pain. And later, with liberation.
What is “deeper intimacy”? Dana and I have explored the themes of less control and more freedom, in contrast to our history (and her-story) of the archetype of marriage. We are wondering how we may strengthen the foundation of our partnership and sacred marriage, our shared love and intimacy, even as we open ourselves to wider experiences of love and intimacy with others. Suffice to say now that riding magical waves of bliss for a week or so gave way to some shadow work around the archetype of marriage, excavating those deeply held, quiet, hidden beliefs. For me, I held the perspective of wife as less desirable, less sexy, less valuable than lover and partner. Our discussions and actions geared towards freedom and expansion totally triggered me! And hey! That’s how we know we’re dancing with the Divine rather than staying in the neat circles and squares drawn on the ballroom floor. In the healing journey, I remembered what wise Dana told me years ago, “It’s best to go at the pace of the one who needs to go slowest.” This is the path to building trust and a strong foundation for enriched expansion. The rest of “deeper intimacy” we shall see as we create it.
How will our partnership change, if at all? When we first shared our news, more than one person asked, “Are you still going to practice your lifestyle?” – meaning our dance in conscious non-monogamy or polyamory. We don’t anticipate radical changes. In fact, we may very well go deeper into what that non-monogamy means for each of us, as one component of how freedom looks for us. The tricky part is we don’t perfectly align in our expressions of polyamory. How can we hold space for each of us to have our 100% experience and is that even possible when at times one’s expression may usurp the other’s? We don’t know how to reconcile all that, and truthfully, it can only be done dancing-in-the-moment, and often through much processing (polyamory means more talking, in order to get to more sexing – ha!). We only know that we’re embracing continued conscious evolution and over-all expansion, fully supporting one another and ourselves in our growth, as we have always done. We are finding that supporting us both in our sovereignty while blending into sacred union requires a great leap of trust and faith with huge doses of love. Don’t try this at home, unless you are peculiarly brave. Aho!
How will we prepare for ceremony? Actually, I would say the ceremony has begun in the rich discovery process that here’s now. I have been going into deep soul retrieval journeys, revealing and renegotiating old soul contracts that keep me bound in my current life-and-love expressions. In journey, I receive beautiful visions of loving intimacy in expanded circles of family and friends, of the deepest levels of soul-level-sharing. I welcome these expressions, and I know that I have the opportunity to prepare myself for all these intentions that are evolving with the journey-of-discovery. The fact that we can even contemplate entering into marriage is a deep testament to the work we have already done! We have transcended so many of our old stories, old woundings, to make way for something new and ever-more beautiful to be created through us.
So why bring the law into it now? We live in blended realities – practical, physical, magical, mystical and many multi-dimensional levels as well. How to embrace it all? I think we get to pick and choose to some degree. Marriage is evolving, open now to same-sex couples as a gateway perhaps to even grander expressions of our conscious choosing. I like to pick a little here and there, as it matches the wilder expressions of my heart. Why make any of it wrong when it can all serve at one time or another?
When is the magical day? On September 19, 2015, as we celebrate ten years and two days of conscious partnership, we will make our magical vows. We will custom co-create our ceremony and preparation as we go, in this rich gestational period. I will for sure be referring to “Singing the Soul Song of Ceremony” for inspiration as we go. We plan to let it all be informal and easy for us and everyone. Stay tuned and let us know if you’d like to join us at OdaBe for our gathering. All are welcome!